LIVE WITH MYSELF

So all this time I have been talking about how you have to live right. Make the right decisions and I forgot about one thing. How do I tell someone else to live right when my own life has been one bad decision after the other. I know I have been quiet of late but I had to do a little soul searching for myself. I remember looking at the keyboard asking myself what I would write for my readers and every topic I had would someone scream back at me saying, "YOU'RE THE ONE TO TALK".... So i did a little soul searching. let's take a little step back. Ten years ago. In my first relationship, all happy and love struck. Everything was going perfect until this guy hit. That must have been the most abusive relationship I have been in and I wanted to get out... I had a choice to get out... Especially when this one really nice guy came and told me he wanted to be with me. Hake, thst was my ticket outta there. But NOOOOOO!!!! Not this girl, she decided to go back and date the Douche bag of a boyfriend telling herself, "He was my first and I will always love my first".... Bull shit, that rights there was just the fear of having to change to someone better. Bad decision Numero uno... Two years later(2009), I meet a guy cute as can be, but even I know better than to get with him. But OMG this was the guy everybody wanted and he wanted me. So what did I do??? well actually him I dated. Even lived with this guy for two years until I fund out he was getting married to someone else right under my nose. I accidentally overheard his friends talking about how he was getting married in three weeks. And here is this guy telling me that he was leaving town for work. I was so depressed I actually slit my wrist. Sad, yeah, Pathetic... Oh yeah. That right there must have taken my self esteem from 50- 0 in a blink of an eye. I remember thinking to myself that I was worthless. I mean I couldn't even keep a guy that was right under my roof. I remember saying no wonder the first guy used to beat me. I hope you can see where this is heading. I am not writing all this get you down and out or to have you pity me. But wait we have more. Then I met this guy right after and told myself he was the one. Even did everything he asked me to do. I mean I was telling myself that I may have lost the other guy because I was holding back. So this one I was gonna give my all. I even paid for his fees when he asked me to. Took care of his exam fees as well. Made sure he was fed and dressed. OH! I was in love with this guy. Gave him all I had and never held back at all. Did that work....Ha!! Nobody!! I just felt after that, that I was done. Done with giving my heart to men that just wanted to trample it to pieces... I was done trusting men to take care of me when all of them are just selfish. To be fair, all I did right there was kill the part of me that made me Unique. Of everything about me taht I know is still good and a little pure. I know that the onething I have left to give is Love. That opart of me is the one thing I decided to kill in me instead of nature if somemore. My God what did I do. Fast forward four years from then(2013). I met another cute guy. There I was sitting at my favorite spot (The Bakery)... but trust me, its not the bread that they bake there. Well actually, they do have an actual bakery there, but we go there for the liquor at the spot they opened just next to the bakery. Anyways, I had been seeing this guy for the longest time and oneday I just told myself that I wanted him. Now remember this is a girl that has given up on love so at this point it was raw attraction. He was cute. So I made sure he saw me. Once I had his attention, it was on. Charmed him with everything I had and turned him into my-for lack of a better term- Bitch. This is a guy I would call, tell him I will get him beer knowing thats what made him tick. And at the end of the day, i had to get some... This went on till I met his friend. So now, here I am, sitting at the bar... And his friend walked in. The problem is when your self esteem has been broken so badly, even when someone sees good in you it's hard to understand why, but then when you turn into a bad person you best believe you are screwed. At that point, I knew that this guy's friend wouldn't mind taking me into his bed. He probably had already pictured me in it. Plus, after talking to this guy enough times, I knew that he too did not have a conscience. So what did I have to loose... Took him to bed and even called my so called boyfriend in the morning after to find me in his friend's bed. What kinda person cheats on her boyfriend and literally calls the guy to come by and se the aftermath of that. Anyway, after that I left for a while, a met another guy, two guys for that matter. These guys really liked me and even they knew that I was with both of them. This is when things got out of hand but not with me. I was still cold and hard on the inside. Dead if I might even add. the worst part is I come back to my senses and Now I really like this guy. But I can't have him because I dated two of his friends... though not at the same time, slept with two other friends and well him too... So now I have to live with myself. But how do I live with all bad decisions I have made in my life. I know that It is ot written on my face but I have really been searching for a way to turn my life around. I feel so fucked in my head I don't know if Magnum P.I can even fix what is wrong in me. Everytime I tell myself that I am gonna do right, I will tell myself that I will not Fuck up. But what happens.... BAMN!!!!!! I will be in the midst of one of the biggest FUCK UPS I can think of.... So here is some advise... Don't go though life blaming others for your mistakes. You will never forgive yourself and move on if you keep blaming other people for you fuck ups. That's because you will always hate someone else and then you will actually be committing a sin in God's eyes as well. I have come to live with myself after everything, and trust me it wasn't easy but it will be worth it. For a long time in my life, I am able to look at myself in the mirror and not see the screw up that I was. I see the life that God Saved. I see the love that was shed on Calvary. Even as I type this right now I know that there is someone out there that is looking at themselves and thinking I am not perfect, I am a screw up and I don't desreve love. My Love, Through Christ Jesus you actually do deserve love. You are not perfect, YES!!! But you are not supposed to be. He should be the perfection in you. I had a dream that I was talking to somebody. Telling them to go back home because your family needs you to. You may not be physically gone but the fact that you have closed yourself up to everybody else means that you have closed yourself up to God. He is calling out to you. He is asking where you are?? Turn back and give him your life. Give Him your all. He should be the one we seek. He should be the one we love with everything in us. He should be the one we cry for, yearn for, He is all we need. But he also gave you a chance to be with another human and to respect God means to respect ourselves and all the people he has put in our lives. To live like him is to love unconditionally, but that means we should be able to discern who the right people are for us and also when we are supposed to give our love. I have told myself that what has happened in my life has happened. I cannot change that, but I will not beat myself down for it either. I will hoowever find a way to bounce back and show everybody that I can be a better person. Now my aim to to be like Christ. To live like Christ and most importantly to live for HIm. UNTIL NEXT TIME.......